Oh Costco. How do I love thee, let me count the ways. But first, a quick distraction before we even start.
Can we talk about parking lot etiquette for a minute?? We all know people are stupid and dumb. We all know, especially in parking lots, that you should always be on high alert for the asshat that is too busy staring at a phone before crossing the street. However, I think the pedestrians could use a little more leniency in the rain. So if you’re sitting in your nice dry car, you can wait an extra 4-6 seconds to let me cross the road pushing those giant rear-end carts complete with giant rear-end kids in the front of it. I realize it’s my problem but it’s also your’s because I will not be stopping, especially in the rain. I’m like the game Frogger but with a chance of vehicular manslaughter.
Anyway, back to it.
There’s two types of Costco. The first one is weekday morning Costco. My favorite time to hit up the Costco, mid-morning, mid-week. The aisles are practically empty. I can wander, take my time, look at all the things I don’t need. I get to deliberate on if we need 640 sharpies because you know what? Yes, yes we do. I have time to stray from my list. I also have time to ignore the nagging sound of my husband’s voice in the back of my mind screaming at me to STICK TO THE LIST!! When an impulse buy adds $15-$20 to the total, he likes when I stick to the list.
That’s why I need to go on weekdays. It feels like an adventure! An expensive, one stop shop adventure.
Need milk? Costco
Need an eye exam? Costco
Fruit? Air filters? Tires? Patio furniture? Appliances? Diapers? Bleach wipes? 60 pounds of rice???
Costco is always your answer.
One of my favorite things about Costco, besides everything, is The Boy’s behavior. Yes, you did read that correctly. The Boy who Breaks Things has the best behavior every. single. time. we’re there. Because Costco is magic.
It also has hot dogs.
Listen, remember this is a safe space and we don’t judge here. If you want to judge me for using a hot dog to bribe my child to have perfect behavior then, we can’t be cool. For $1.50 I can get a hot dog, a lemonade, and the best, most adorably sweet three year old you’ve ever seen. Costco has the deals that complete me.
They also have churros.
I love to go to Costco during the weekday mornings just to wander, find deals I don’t need, buy things that will take years to use, and give myself the warm fuzzy feelings in general. I dare you to find a place that can give me a well behaved toddler, cheap wine, and deep fried dough IN ONE LOCATION!!! You can’t because Costco is perfect.
I say almost because we all know that there is always two sides to the same coin. My true love is no exception. Let’s take a peek into the deep, dark, horrific side of Costco.
Costco: on a weekend.
Oh dear me, for the love of all good things holy and just in the world, Weekend Costco hurts me to my soul. Don’t get me wrong I still love it, but it’s different. It’s the kind of love that is more like, I appreciate you and I respect what you’re doing but I’m disappointed in your behavior, Weekend Costco. It’s packed to the doors with pure group think panic. The road blocks and poor manners that pour out of grown adults waiting for a free sample is enough to send me into a rage that would intimated any law enforcement department. If you have ever been on the receiving end of a dirty look and a loud, “that’s rude” scolding in a mom voice, it was probably me.
I’m not sorry.
What happens to the good, solid, people of the world once they enter a Costco on the weekend? I like to believe that under normal circumstances these people actually contribute to society. Teachers, medical personal, engineers, software developers (we are in Austin), parents, fully-grown adults, are all people who I can assume are at least 21 years of age based on the contents of their gigantic carts. All of whom revert into children waiting for samples, cutting in lines, and general acts of selfishness. That’s not even including the children, who are acting like children because, you know, they are children. The little humans pick up on the energy of chaos and bulk frozen blueberries and act out accordingly.
Lord help you if you go on a weekend day that also is the last day for the warehouse deals!! Here’s a tip, a whole new group of deals will start within five days, just wait for those. I accidentally went on a Sunday that happened to be the last day for the deals and I’m pretty sure I died. I’m writing this from the other side, the beyond.
Good news!!! There’s churros here too!